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Jokes (16-31)
16.I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
17.Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
18.Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
1. "Oops."
2. "Rats, I forgot my glasses again."
3. "Dang it, not again."
4. "Hey bring that back!! Bad dog. A human bone is no toy for a dog!"
5. "Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."
6. "Shoot, I can't get my arm out of her back. Were going to have to cut it off."
7. "And now we place the ape's brain in the subject's body."
8. "That's cool! Can you make his leg twitch?
9. "What? They're missing that too? Oh well, I guess we'll have to try how to remember how to do surgery."
10. "What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?"
11. "Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
12. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Shoot- the guy's got two of 'em."
13. "Could you stop that thing from thumping, it's throwing my concentration off."
14. "You forgot what he was in for? Oh well, let's surprise him."
15. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
16. "Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"
17. "Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie."
18. "Um, is this thing supposed to be moving? Cause I think it's about to choke the patient."
19.One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do." "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
*Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.
*Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
*Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
* Tries to drown a fish in waters.
*Thinks socialism means partying.
*Trips over a cordless phone.
*Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
*At the bottom of the application where it says, "Sign here" he puts "Sagittarius."
*Studies for a blood test and fails.
* Sells the car for gas money.
*Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
*Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said,
"Airport left", he turns around and goes home.
*Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.
*Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
*Why can't Sardar dial 911?
They cannot find the eleven on the phone
*How do you get Sardar on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
*What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
*Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
*Have you heard about the sardar master chef becoming an opera singer ... ?
He is calling himself HavaRoti
*What do call a sardar ballet dancer ? Pran Singh ...
*What do you call a vegitarian sardar ? SaabJi
21. Guy to girl:
Are your parents terrorists?
'Cause you're the bomb.
22.A blonde calls up her best friend (a brunette) one day because she is very upset. "I can't get this jigsaw puzzle put together, and I've been trying for weeks," she cries. "Could you please come over and help me before I go crazy?" "What kind of puzzle is it?" asks the brunette. The blonde says, "Well, there is a rooster on the box, but there are so many pieces, and it's so confusing. I just don't know where to start!" Her friend is the compassionate sort and says, "I'll be right over." So off to the blonde's house she goes. When she gets there, she takes one look at the table and turns to her friend and says: "Put the Corn Flakes back in the box."
23.A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
24.A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
25.Frank came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her. "Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails. "How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked nervously. "Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails. "Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Frank went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?" The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."
26.A telephone rang, and someone picked it up. A voice from the other side said, "Is your number 444 444 44?" "Yes," came the reply. "Could you call 911? My finger is stuck on the phone."
27.One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next
morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard,
then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from
the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he
was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
28.Fred was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. Fred had just bought another beer
and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said: "I spit in my beer."
When Fred returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer too!"
29.Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing
to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife.
And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty
years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going
"Anybody got a match?"
30.Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with
a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has
already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the
"same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly,
refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment
angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits
and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be
served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries - "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"
31.Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!"
