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Jokes (32-48)
32. One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next
morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard,
then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating
away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs.
Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he
was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
33. Fred was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell
him he had a telephone call. Fred had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, Fred wrote a
little sign and left it by his beer that said: "I spit in my beer."
When Fred returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer:
"I spit in your beer too!"
34. Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing
to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife.
And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going
"Anybody got a match?"
35. Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk,
and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional
liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs
down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the
"same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again
offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the
while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of
the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and
emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be
called immediately.
Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries -
"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"
36. In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)
37. I ran into Joe at the coffee shop this morning. He really
looked worn out so I asked him, "Have a bad night, Joe?" "Did I ever! Didn't get any sleep to speak of. There was
this woman who kept knocking on my door. Yelling at her didn't have any affect. I threatened her with everything
I could think of, but she just kept it up." "What did you
do? Call the police?" "No, that wouldn't have done any good. Finally about 4:00 I got up and let her out."
38. You know you've been on-line too long when...
* You start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.
* Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check it again.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* You tell the cab driver you live at
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because
"Daddy/Mommy's got work to do".
* You get a tattoo that says "This body best veiwed with
Internet Explorer 5.0."
* You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the
chair in front of the computer with a toilet.
* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. :-)
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain
road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
39. This is an actual job application someone submitted at a
McDonald's
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options
and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's
not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection
of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better
suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question
here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in
the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who
thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove
otherwise.
40. "I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 140."
41.Employee: Boss can I have the day off tomorrow?
Boss: So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days
off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have
used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for
23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.
This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only
1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!
42. Is your last name Gillette, it must be because you are the best a man can get.
43.By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel
room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in
adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the
room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on
the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all
night watching me."
44.A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She
didn't panic however, because she remembered what her
dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a
snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she
started to follow it. She followed the plow for about
forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got
out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained
that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the
Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?
45.* I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I
know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he
meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is
823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
46.* A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from
Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a
loss for words. Finally, the agent asked : "Are you sure
that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you
have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the
agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a
Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't
be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The
agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
47.A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few
things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has
made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like
my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye,
Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
48.Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed and said. "They'll be ready Thursday"
