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Jokes (49-70)
49.A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
50.When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey
51."Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle.
"I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle, "that's exactly what I mean."
52.. The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
53. Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
54.An old man and woman were married for years even though
they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A
constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out
of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all
hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the
funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if
there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her
neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man
who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back
and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said..."Let the old fart dig. I had him buried upside down."
55. Letter of Recommendation -
While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.
Branch Manager
A second note following the report:
Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7,...
for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
Branch Manager
56.Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely
evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist – he
insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say
more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the
alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be
damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened
and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break
a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down
on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing-when I came up I cracked my head on the
open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half
of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It
was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.--------
57.Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake
up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
58.A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his body, "when I touch my arm it hurts. When I touch my neck it hurts. And when I touch my stomach it hurts. Do I have some rare disease?"
"No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."
59.Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from the distance,
running towards them. One of the guys takes a pair of Nikes from his bag and starts to put them on.
The other guy, with a surprised look on his face exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than
the tiger with those?!?!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to run faster than the tiger. I just have to run faster than YOU."
60.In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She
was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight
to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the
bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not
make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And
for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because
of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again
unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her
lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at
him:" How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!!!"
At this the Texan drawled: "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly
three times, I kind a figured that we was friends."
61.Fred was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad. The chief engineer was conducting the interview.
"What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?"
Fred quickly answered, "Well, I'd call my brother."
The chief engineer just sat there for a second. "Why would you call your brother?"
"He's never seen a train wreck before."
62. Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
63. Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming.
64.In the Late 1800s a little girl named Virginia asked the New York
Times if there was a Santa Claus. The reply is now famous. Someone thought it would be fun to ask the scientists at NASA the same question. Here is their reply:
a) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there ARE 300,000 species
of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has seen.
b) There are two billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa
doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist and Jewish children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 138 million or so. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child in each.
c) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to time zones
and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out t o 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining gifts under the tree, eat snacks, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh, and move to the next house.
d) Assuming that each of these 91.8 million houses are distributed
evenly (which we know to be false but for the sake of these calculations we will accept) we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops. This means that Santa's sleigh is traveling at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of
sound. For comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 mps. The average reindeer runs a t 15 mph.
e) The sleigh's payload adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 TONS, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.
On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see first paragraph) could pull TEN TIMES the usual amount, we cannot do the job with 8 or even 9. We need 214,000 reindeer. This inc reases the weight, not even counting the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison this is 4 times the weight of the British liner Queen Elizabeth 2.
f) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates an enormous
air resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy - Per second Each! In short, they will burst in flame almost instantaneously, expo sing the next pair of reindeer, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second.
g) Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06
times the force of gravity. A 300 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,325,015 pounds of force.
CONCLUSION: There was a Santa, but he's dead now.
65.A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced
enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you
think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package
and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the
package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams".
66.Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home
late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe
old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
67.Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his
ol' man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."
68.There was a guy driving down the road with two penguins in the back of his car. A policeman pulled him over and said, "I suggest you take these penguins to the zoo."
The man took a look at the penguins, and then agreed. The next day the same guy, still with the two penguins in his car, got pulled over by the same cop.
The cop said, "Hey Buddy, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" The man looked at him proudly and said, "I did, I'm taking them to the park today!"
69.Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when
one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc.
It was great."
"That is great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked,
"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?" His friend replied.
"Yes, that's it!" Said Fred, then turning to his wife,
"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
70.A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining
about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be
complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some
post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a
thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation
we ran out of anesthetic."
