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Jokes (71-90)
71.I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
72.For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
73.The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
74. A great author John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.
75. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
76. You! Off my planet!
77. Someone -- always a man -- always asks, "does the ship run
on generators?" The Cruise Director usually tells them, "No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland."
78."The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
79.Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products;
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
WHILE INSERTING LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
16. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
17. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
18. On an American Airlines packet of nuts -
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
80.Grandpa and grand daughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did
God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be
studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered
what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
81.A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but,
I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've fallen in love with another man."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a
bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag
82.Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in
Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all
these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just
can't." The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do
you have to know?"
83.A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found
his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without
even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with
surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN
TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He has another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts
to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner,
before you go... what did happen in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
84.** PICK ON WOMEN DAY **
1-I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
2-Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
3-The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
4-In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since
then, neither God nor man has rested.
5-Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
6-Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
7-Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
8-A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
9-The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
10-First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
11-Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was
too late."
12-A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!"
85.There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are
talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and
says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and
fight like a man.'"
86.A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series
of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured,
"You're beautiful."
Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said,
"You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful?'" she asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
87.The man and woman had been married for 50 years and it was their wedding anniversary. The wife asked her
husband what he wanted for an anniversary present. He thought for a few minutes and then stated that for
years now, he has wondered what she kept in that locked drawer in her bureau. She had kept it locked since they
were married and he was dying to find out what it was. The wife thought about it for a moment, then agreed. She
went over and unlocked the drawer. And there inside was
what appeared to be thousands of dollars. The drawer was completely full of money. And on top of the pile
were three eggs. Now the husband is really curious and he asks her what the three eggs were for. She told him that any time she
had been unfaithful to him during their marriage, she had placed an egg in the drawer to remind her of what
she had done. At first, the man was devastated. He felt betrayed by her
transgression. But the more he thought about it...after all...it HAD been fifty years and there WERE only three
eggs..he decided to forgive her and told her so.
Then he asked what all the money was from and his wife replied, "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them!"
88. Little Mary was attending a wedding for the first time.
As she sat in the church, she watched the bride slowly approach the altar. Mary whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to
explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said....
"So why is the groom wearing black?"
89.Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.
The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that
if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before
the time of letter writing or sign language).
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the
greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say,
"my darling," But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited
three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four
years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew
no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal
garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said
huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and
parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"
90. Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping in the forest.
They had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asked.
"I suppose it means that of all the planets in the universe, we are truly fortunate to be here on Earth.
We are small in God's eyes, but should struggle every day to be worthy of our blessings. In a meteorological
sense, it means we'll have a sunny day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
